A BRIEF PAUSE FROM THE LOVELY & LIVELY & HECTIC:

Packed days, bright nights, and ample opportunity to enjoy and immerse and think just a bit. Many worlds I want to explore forever, ideas I want to bring to life. Still, there's no pressure to get it right the first time.

I used to worry that I had to live according to absolutes; to make a definitive choice between the accomplished and the authentic, the secure and the spontaneous, the conscious and the intuitive, the reliable and the vulnerable. I assumed that any compromise between extremes would either hurt my chances of accomplishing my loosely defined goals of conventional success, or leave me feeling regretful years later for never fully exploring who I might have become. In contrast, I now find myself striving for balance on those sensitive scales. It's a subjective, difficult, and dynamic exercise, but it also seems to be the single sure path to a free, fulfilling, and fun time here.

For every work published, a hundred nights' worth of discarded demos, drafts, journals, and projects have laid their foundation. I desperately wanted to prove myself for reasons I never exactly pinned down, before audiences I never concretely identified. I was under the impression that the "meaningful" could only be distilled through the "expressive" and "vulnerable" and "uncertain" and "human", so I rarely evaluated my favourite works by their view counts or retention rates. It wasn't the right metric. I documented my pursuit of becoming someone vaguely better than before, someone whose opinion could be a great help for great people. Looking back, I also think I just needed to cut myself a break. It was fun, but I was also probably sorting out some deep-seated confidence problems without realizing it. I thought excellence could only be manifested through some elusive transcendence that inspired millions of hearts to overcome their own struggles and insecurities; I realize now, that isn't the right metric either. Maybe being a good person could be evaluated from within. Maybe I could tune out the questions of scale, just for a moment. I hope my friends will agree that we've done alright overall and that it's been beautifully imperfect so far. It's nice having something to laugh at.

I'm challenging how I present myself in my daily life and in these works, works that I now accept will always be abstracted from me to some degree. I questioned the role of branding and messaging and mediums; what is the impact, on potency of message and memorability and commercial opportunity and etc., that "artistic nonsense" plays? Does prose and direct presentation strip away some of the mystique, and is it stunted in its ability to communicate the larger and vaguer and abstract-er and emotional-er experiences? I'll figure that out another day.

I can't capture every aspect of myself in these blog posts, the music, the movies, none of it. Unrealistic expectations. The hour-long interviews featuring my heroes didn't sum up the entirety of their lives either, but that never negated their influence on me. It's unrealistic to expect everyone who meets me will understand me entirely or resonate with my messages fully, especially as I'm still in development myself, and hope to be for the rest of my life.

Studying my all-time favourites armed me with an inspired understanding of what could be. But I don't plan to spend all this time and effort just to regurgitate what's already come before. New insight demands innovation. I hope to turn the spark inwards, and after I swallow a bit more of my pride, bring forward my own. That's awesome.

As I've said time and time again, it's been a great few years. I used to be petrified of losing my perspective, my drive & character & voice left behind in the seas of misguided competition. I don't think I need to be so afraid.

Aim for some consistency, but don't hold yourself to crushing standards. Be thankful for these great experiences! @#$%^&*

Keep your eyes open. Enjoy this process. L-ve fully.

Mike